Rec Room of Iniquity

Current reading

2009-08-12T20:20:00.001-04:00

I have not had anything to say over here in YEARS.

And I still don't.

But I'm trying to update my blogs more frequently, and at nearly 3 years, this one is sorely in need.

This is what I'm currently reading:

The East, the West, and Sex: A History of Erotic Encounters by Richard Bernstein

Perhaps I'll have more to say when I'm past chapter 2.

Okay, one of you is lying ....

2006-08-19T21:47:00.000-04:00

For laughs, I decided to buy some over-the-counter birth control today. (I don't know, I saw the Sponge and got all nostalgic. I remember those from my college days ... but I date myself.) I was reading the inserts on a couple of different packages, and I noticed that each method seemed to fudge the efficacy rates to disparage the other methods. Ie., the efficacy rate the Today Sponge claims to have, is not the same as the one the Vaginal Contraceptive Film assigns to it, and vice versa.

I hate misinformation.

When in doubt, or when it matters, always consult a neutral third-party organization. Planned Parenthood gives information about various OTC options, Go Ask Alice has answered the question of effective forms of birth control, and various health sites have efficacy charts. Even the government puts out a fact sheet.

And always remember that chemical methods do not protect from STIs, so you still need that condom. No harm in doubling up methods (barrier + chemical), in my opinion, since no method is perfect.

Back from vacation ...

2006-08-08T15:52:00.000-04:00

... and my favorite souvenir is a tshirt with this logo

(No, I didn't go to Utah, but I kept getting stuck there on extended layovers ... grr.)

Mmm . . . cappuccino & vanilla.

2006-07-28T12:15:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd give a little plug to Kama Sutra products. (Whose site only appears to work with IE - feh.)

I have the Cappuccino Oil of Love and the Vanilla Massage Creme sitting, unopened, in my basement. (I got them on sale a while ago, but haven't had occasion to use them. Apparently they're discontinued flavors.) In my last relationship, my friends kept buying me gift sets from there, so I also have the Weekender, the Oil of Love Collection, and Honey Dust.

I like the stuff; the flavors are non-cloying, the textures sensual.

Perhaps one of these days I'll have occasion to use them again. (I don't think they go bad, do they?)

I ask again: who worked her up?

2006-07-20T09:51:00.000-04:00

It seems like every year or two I go out with friends and get all hedonistic ... there's usually dancing involved, and drinking (natch) ... and for no apparent reason I just become a kissing fool. Almost any guy I dance with, I end up kissing. And not just a peck on the cheek in appreciation for the dance.

Normally, I'm far more restrained. (ie. more celibate than a monk)

Don't get me wrong, I really like kissing. Really. A lot. But I usually don't go about all willy-nilly like that.

And usually I have sense enough to only kiss strangers, whom I don't know and have no intention of seeing ever again, not people I know and see regularly ... groan.

So, last night I played the fool and fooled around with all of these guys who are too young for me and/or otherwise problematic, but it was still fun. And it's not serious. I don't anticipate any repercussions other than my girlfriends teasing me for a few days.

In fact, it makes me regret the week before, when I was out with a friend to whom I'm attracted. I perceived kissing tension, but I got on my ethical high horse & ignored it. I should have just kissed him; he strikes me as being a good kisser and none of our friends were around to see it. What the hell?

There should be more kissing in life.

so much for humor day . . .

2006-07-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

It's hard to have a sense of humor when this is the first article I see in the Times today:

Muzzling Sex Education on Anything but Abstinence

Alright, who got her worked up?

2006-07-18T14:27:00.000-04:00

I'm having lascivious thoughts of late.

Sometimes/most of the time I hate boys, but most of the time/sometimes I find them terribly distracting.

It's funny, the one who is distracting me now, he fits almost perfectly into an awful piece of erotica I wrote years ago. I happened to come across it and read it, thinking of him as the main character . . . oh my! It's like a whole new story. And it works, because I wrote that story for/about a guy whom I'd never seen in person, so there's really just the most generic description.

And like the guy for/about whom I originally wrote the story, I have no intention of really pursuing this man in real life . . . because I don't do "mistress."

But, the point I'm trying to get to (if I can refrain from picturing said guy as that character for just 5 minutes) is that one should write, erotica or otherwise. I don't care if it is horrible. It's a neat little time capsule of who you are at a given point in time. I cringe with every reading of that story, but it reminds me of who I once was, and how I've grown since then.

Back to my regularly scheduled fantasious dalliances.

Pre-pregnant?!?

2006-05-25T14:23:00.000-04:00

Okay - the evil overlords are considering all fertile women as being "pre-pregnant" and advising that we conduct ourselves as not to do harm to the unborn, unconceived, non-existant fetus.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500875_pf.html

Speaking as a resolute non-breeder ... bite me.

This calls for a drink - and I don't mean folic acid-rich orange juice.

V-mosex

2006-05-13T20:05:00.000-04:00

There is now a Virtual Museum of Sex, for those of you who can't make it to NYC for the latest & greatest exhibits.

I saw the Men without Suits exhibit last summer.

Humor Day

2006-05-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last, and you're single. Just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality...... whispering.....

"Bob, you're a vet..."

I'm back!

2006-05-04T08:35:00.000-04:00

Literally and figuratively ... I was in a funk for a very long while. It's not conducive to writing about sex. To paraphrase from a story called "Uncertainty Principle" (which I can NOT find anywhere online any more) "You're no good to me if you can't keep a pleasant thought in your head."

Well there's nothing like a little slap and tickle to take your mind off of what ails you. Works for me every time. I wasn't particularly expecting it, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I think I may see about arranging such diversions on a more regular basis.

I'm always advocating balance in all parts of life - I lecture my friends constantly about it - but here I am ignoring a HUGE part of my life. How silly.

I'll try to be more filthy minded and start posting here more regularly.

Shabbos Smile

2006-05-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

good question

2005-11-29T13:01:00.000-05:00

What's the name of the word for the precise moment when you realize that you've actually forgotten how it felt to make love to somebody you really liked a long time ago?
– Delirium, in Sandman #42

movie review

2005-11-27T17:12:00.000-05:00

I just watched Inside Deep Throat on DVD. It was most amusing. Really, I laughed out loud at a couple of scenes (Helen Gurley Brown describing the beauty benefits of smearing semen on one's face . . ..)

It's funny that the uproar about the movie lasted for so long. Released in '72, still #11 a year later, riots at Harvard in '80. Nothing has that staying power any more.

I've never seen Deep Throat, but I'm sure, absolutely positive, my parents would have seen it in the theater. That's one aspect of the climate of the time that I rue having lost. Once the New York Times declared it "porn chic," people went. And couples went together. It wasn't the furtive, shameful sneaking into a sticky, fetid, back alley theater full of perverts that one may currently associate with the idea of seeing porn in theater nowadays. Lines went around the block - the theater was full of stars and socialites. It was a point of cultural literacy to have seen it. So many people described seeing it with their spouses and, at the very least, being amused by it. I'm absolutely pro anything that sparks mature discussion about sex, particularly among consenting partners.

I don't think the youth of today understand how things were - they take today's permissiveness and promiscuity for granted. It wasn't always like that. Things used to be shocking. What's shocking anymore, in this age of The Aristocrats? (Don't get me wrong - I loved that film too.) In the extras, someone points out the number of things that have crossed over from porn - implants, collagen, fuck-me-pumps/fetish shoes, g-strings/thongs (they make them for kids now - that's disturbing,) etc.

Other things that amused me:

Marilyn Chambers all giggly and too embarrassed to explain how to deep throat.

The fact that almost all those '70s lothario filmmakers are now old men with their waistbands under their armpits.

The actual "deep throat" scene was impressive. I'd seen it before, even on larger guys, but this - the first one - still has an impact.

I think it's worth seeing if you're so inclined.

The Almond, by Nedjma

2005-11-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

I am the one with the most beautiful cunt on earth, the best designed, the best developed, the deepest, warmest, wettest, noisiest, most fragrant and singing, the one most fond of cocks when they rise up like harpoons.

I think this should be a mandatory affirmation.

Umm, that's not funny.

2005-10-12T14:44:00.000-04:00

Savage Love is rather gross today. Key quote:

"I quickly rub one out," he writes, "and then put a tiny amount of my come on my friends' toothbrushes. I know it's wrong, and I feel bad about it, but I can't stop."

Okay - no one is ever allowed in my bathroom again.

Oh crap, that can happen?!?

2005-10-08T14:50:00.000-04:00

I really like that Forbes.com article. Today's key quote:

Women who abstain from sex run some risks. In postmenopausal women, these include vaginal atrophy. Dr. Winch has a middle-aged patient of whom he says: "She hasn't had intercourse in three years. Just isn't interested. The opening of her vagina is narrowing from disuse. It's a condition that can lead to dysparenia, or pain associated with intercourse. I told her, 'Look, you'd better buy a vibrator or you're going to lose function there.'

Umm - excuse me while I go work on my craigslist ad.

Go forth and ... (behave as if you were trying to) multiply.

2005-10-06T13:59:00.000-04:00

Forbes.com (of all places) gives many reasons why we all should be having more sex. Including for our own dental health. Key quote:

- Better teeth: Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to retard tooth decay. Since this is a family Web site, we will omit discussion of the mineral delivery system. Suffice it to say that it could be a far richer, more complex and more satisfying experience than squeezing a tube of Crest--even Tartar Control Crest. Researchers have noted, parenthetically, that sexual etiquette usually demands the brushing of one's teeth before and/or after intimacy, which, by itself, would help promote better oral hygiene.

Humor day

2005-10-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

Bill Clinton Brand Condoms . . . no, really! http://www.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2005/9/20/114721.shtml

Drink & Be Merry!

2005-09-12T13:59:00.000-04:00

Tonight will be a happy hour (an happy hour?) to raise funds for restaurant workers affected by Katrina. One can buy a New Orleans drink in a participating bar, and proceeds will go to the fund. It's all coordinated by the Museum of the American Cocktail.

Embibe!

Asshat

2005-08-25T09:42:00.000-04:00

If you know this guy, bust his ass.

Flashers annoy me. I'm usually enjoying my own little world; I didn't ask to see your sorry-ass piece of meat. If I want to see a penis, I know where to go, and chances are it's probably not going to be yours.

What really annoys me is the smarmy smug little grin he's got on his face. It makes me want to hurt him. In fact, the last guy who flashed me was in a car. I leaned over into the window like I was into it, then I started yelling about ripping that shit off and shoving it down his throat. He took off like a bat out of hell.

The cops never do anything about it. I used to get the makes, models, & license plates, and then spend hours on hold with the precinct. They don't care; they think it's funny.

Flashers & frotteurs - wastes of life - and public urinaters too. As my great-aunt used to advise: "grab & twist". You've been warned.

Not in my box of 64...

2005-08-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

Humor day:

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Kiss me and I'll kiss you back

2005-08-14T08:37:00.000-04:00

There's a kiss-in at Times Square at 1:30 today to commemorate the famous kiss in Life magazine after WWII.

What kind of kisser are you?

2005-08-04T14:09:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting these quiz things here, but kissing ... ah, kissing. I take my kissing seriously.

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Free Love Kisser

Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience
Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!
It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move.
And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 14% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk.

You're in a permanent lip lock.

Kissing Purity Test

get me away from these quizzes!

2005-08-04T12:40:00.000-04:00

Okay - I'm having fun with this site ... here are some more results I found to be astute (or flattering).

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are 30% Extrovert, 70% Introvert

You are quite reserved

You aren't afraid of social situations...

But you very much prefer to go it alone

And why not? You're your own best friend!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion!

And chances are, you're currently in love.

You have a strong physical response to love...

And you are great at committing

(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.
Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.
You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.
You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Humor Day ...

2005-08-03T09:02:00.000-04:00

... does this mean I have to find something amusing?

sigh

Well, I went to the Museum of Sex last week. I haven't been there since their inaugural year. The current exhibits are Men Without Suits: Objectifying The American Male Body & Stags Smokers and Blue Movies: The Origins of American Pornographic Film. I preferred the latter. Not that there's anything wrong with the male body ...

What's amusing about the Museum of Sex is that everyone behaves as in any other museum. People maintain the same distances and proximities, and moderate their time at any one area based on the other people waiting to see the same thing.

But instead of looking at protoceratops, or the Unicorn tapestries, you're seeing one of the oldest examples of a money shot. (1915, IIRC)

If you were to instantly transplant the attendees from the above three types of museums to a single room, you wouldn't be able to tell from their faces which museum they were at.

I find that amusing.

2005-08-01T07:53:00.000-04:00

Why is it that the people with the worst breath never shut up on the bus?

Christ on a cracker! I am sitting behind them and I still gag.

Obscene Humor Day

2005-07-27T09:26:00.000-04:00

In honor of the release of The Aristocrats on Friday, I thought the humor should be in that vein. Here is a database of Aristocrats jokes. Enjoy, if you can.

Technically, I should be posting my own version of the joke here, but I don't particularly feel like taking that mental journey this morning.

Lavender

2005-07-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

I am thoroughly enjoying my lavender doughnut this morning, so I went to google to find out more about the company. I simply typed in "lavender doughnut" and this was among the top ten links: The Effects of Odors on Penile Blood Flow Huh? Who knew?

making a mental note of possible breakfast items for my next bf....

I prefer to blow more than $100 ...

2005-07-06T09:50:00.000-04:00

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Codpiece or cockatrice?

2005-06-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

Remember the Wonderbra? There's a male version now. (Several, in fact)
Somehow I don't see guys paying $79 for briefs ... well, maybe mirls & metrosexuals.

Frigid gene.

2005-06-16T11:27:00.000-04:00

Scientists propose a genetic link to female orgasm.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/06/08/women.orgasm.reut/index.html

(Link expires 6/22/05)

Juvenile humor.

2005-06-15T11:22:00.000-04:00

Every now and then I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

This is actually not about sex, but a site about a geoduck hunt with a most excellent picture of a geoduck. (Scroll down to the part that says "And CHEERS!!!") Cheers indeed!

If any food deserved a reputation as an aphrodesiac, based solely on its looks, it would be this.

Use Responsibly!!!

2005-06-09T15:15:00.000-04:00

There's a website which will send an e-mail to let folks know if they've been exposed to an STI. This is pretty neat. You can do this anonymously or not. (It's more important that someone know to get themselves checked out.)

http://www.inspot.org

USE RESPONSIBLY. Don't go telling your mother-in-law she's got syphillis.

Not Quite the Assman...

2005-06-08T14:55:00.000-04:00

Urologists and proctologists - infamous for their senses of humor. (Read the Areas of Special Interest.)

I remembered!

2005-05-25T16:16:00.000-04:00

Finally, a long overdue Humor Day post.

This lovely gem comes courtesy of a housewife in Wales.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/05/18/vibrating_knickers/
Now they'll probably have to put warning labels on the panties.

Next time she'll know to wear a helmet.

Mapping Sex in America

2005-05-24T10:04:00.000-04:00

If you'll notice on the left, below my profile, there's a flashing link to a project sponsored by the Museum of Sex. Please participate.

How'd I manage to miss the Erotic Expo in NYC last weekend? They claim it's the first, but I went to the Erotica Convention in Javitz years agao.

2005-05-23T07:25:00.000-04:00

You may see superfluous posts for a while - I'm trying to find the best way to post from my phone.

2005-05-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

Mobile blog!

Female Orgasm

2005-05-17T09:50:00.000-04:00

There's an article on female orgasm (link good for 7 days) in the New York Times today. The researcher suggests its a vestigial artifact, like nipples on men – that it's just for "fun". (Others disagree.)

Well ladies, go out and have "fun".

Shabbat Smile

2005-05-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

Since I've missed 3 whole Humor Days, I offer you this instead. (My H.S. History teacher sends these sort of jokes every Thursday.)

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves fulfillment .

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made The following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on her tremendous sexual pleasure

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has enormous, room-shaking, earsplitting, screaming pleasure.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:

You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Not my fault!

2005-05-12T07:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, it is not my fault that I keep getting invited to parties on Wednesday nights. I made it home before this morning though!

What can I say, one only turns 80 once.

Unreasonable Attachment to Inanimate Objects.

2005-05-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

Seems that the title of this post would be more suited to vibrators or something. But I'm still nattering on about my phone.

So I got a new phone today. Yay. And I actually felt guilty about disconnecting my old phone. I really did love that thing. But I found myself trying to scream over a bad connection this morning, and I actually did have a little disposable income, so now was as good a time as ever. Just rip that band-aid off!

I spent a couple hours playing with it. (Had a 2:45 MD appt. They took me at 4:15. Why even bother making appointments?) Then I read the manual on the bus on my way home. It's pretty cool. So far the camera's my favorite part. It's my first digital camera, so even though it's a crappy cellphone camera, it's still fun since I have nothing better to compare it to. I would post a crapcam photo here, but as I mentioned, my PC is too old to run the phone software, so I can only do that stuff from work. And I tend not to post from work. Hmm - I'll figure something out.

I can't use all of the features yet because the multimedia part of my service won't kick in until the 19th. (Although I do appreciate the service rep who set it up that way, rather than double charging me this month for regular service + new service.) Once that's up I'll be able to send pictures, do video, watch TV. I think I'll get rid of the TV/video portions after the free trial. Last thing I need is to have a TV with me at all times.

Okay - back to the vibrators. They do not generate such strong emotion in me as do my phones, but I do appreciate the varied and interesting styles available. Here's a review of the Hello Kitty Vibrator. And for the more advanced or the more jaded, here is an entire site on Fucking Machines. Never limp, never tired, never distracted...

Sex? What's that?

2005-05-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

I haven't been talking about sex lately, neither here nor in real life. That's kind of frightening. It seems that it's all I ever talk about, but yet, it's not on my mind lately. I've been busy. (Obviously not busy in a good way, or else I'd be thinking about sex.)

I've been busy at work; there are too many things going on all at once. There's too much to do on the weekend, none of it I WANT to do, mind you, but being as I'm the one with the car, I end up HAVING to do it. Feh.

I've also been obsessing on my phone. I'll probably buy the Treo 650 tomorrow. (Ooh, perhaps now we'll have a blog with pictures! Or maybe not. I don't think the phone software even supports this OS, my home computer is so old. I may have to install it and synch from work. Pathetic.)

And I'm exhausted. I barely have the wherewithal to watch TV at nights, and as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out cold.

None of this is very conducive to thinking about sex.

What I need is a little inspiration ....

oh how sad. I spent the last 15 minutes looking for something ... inspirational ... to put up here, and I couldn't find anything. sniffle. I think some sdd is in order.

Oops, did it again.

2005-05-06T18:22:00.000-04:00

Gee, sorry. I guess I should stop drinking on Wednesday nights ... or at least stop drinking sometime before Thursday mornings.

But TGIF. Seriously. It's been a week.

Nothing really sexy to report, however. It hasn't been on my mind too much. I seem to be more concerned with what smartphone to buy to replace my beloved Kyocera 6035 SmartPhone. Nothing's quite the same. Granted they all have more features, but they also seem more bug-riddled and persnickety. So I'm trying to use all of the features on my current phone which will not be on my next phone (most likely a Treo 650). I've had my 6035 for 5 years, but today's the first day I recorded a voice message. I should have used that more often.

Jeez, how is it possible that I have nothing sexual on my mind? I feel that I'm failing you. Well, just for a quicky, here's a list of weird sex laws, mostly from the US, but with some foreign laws at the bottom.

For Shame ...

2005-05-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

I basically forgot to post last week. Not even my usual Humor Day post. (At least this blogger has a life.) Actually I didn't even manage to make it home Wednesday night, so posting was rather far from my mind.

What is on my mind? Well, I was browsing over at the Museum of Menstruation, and I remembered they had those old Lysol ads. (A million uses and counting!) No wonder guys used to be less willing to gamahuche.

Not again...

2005-04-21T22:37:00.000-04:00

More under-30 women having inappropriate relations with HS students.

Enough already!

I covered this a bit in my March 1 entry, but the problem seems to be creeping northward. And in a place with a population the size of NY's, you know we're going to do it in spades. Apparently, the magic ratio is having the woman 12 years older than the boy. Harrumph.

Age is such an odd thing though. A 27 year old woman with a 15 year old boy is seriously skeevy. But one doesn't really mind a 37 year old woman with a 25 year old man, or a 47 y-o with a 35 y-o. A lot has to do with the fact that the men are adults in the latter two cases. A 15 y-o doesn't have the (mental/emotional/sexual) wherewithal to give consent at that age. Not to mention the physical immaturity... And childhood should be sacrosanct. Let him worry about soccer, not sex.

My advice to these women: go buy a vibrator and leave the children to their childhood.

Just in case.

2005-04-20T06:39:00.000-04:00

Well, it looks like I've had a setback in my healing. I neglected to do my jaw stretches for a couple of days (I over did it on Sunday and gave myself a migraine) so now I can barely open my jaw the width of two fingers. Which reminds me of a joke (paraphrased from Erotique Noire):

This man was fooling around with a girl. She tells him, "I can't. I can't do that, I'm on my period."

So he tries again from the back (so to speak) and she says , "No, don't touch me there; I've got hemorrhoids."

The man is completely frustrated now, he gets out, goes to the trunk of his car and gets a crowbar. She says, "What's the crowbar for?" He says, "Just in case you've got lockjaw too!"

Maybe by starting the day with a joke, I'll be in a better mood and less apt to go on one of my rants like I did yesterday. The world can't be that bad, can it? (I have a sneaking suspicion that it's worse, but I'll ignore that for the moment.)

Ah, yes, now I remember why I don't date.

2005-04-19T20:57:00.000-04:00

"No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!" Elaine Benes - Seinfeld

Men are idiots.

I forget that every now and again, so I stick my toes in the dating pool to test the water... the stagnant, fetid, scum-infested water ... and I realize why I haven't been bothering in the first place. Silly me to think things might have changed for the better.

That is not to say all men are useless. I was deluded by having made the acquaintance of several nice, respectable, intelligent, humorous guys (all of whom are married or otherwise unavailable, of course) and I thought, "well there have got to be more like them out there." HA! Maybe there are, but apparently they're not where I was looking. And/or they're not looking for me.

Please to explain: when did dating disappear? I either get the guys on a robotic wife-quest, or the ones who want you to come over right now and service them; the hell with meeting for even a drink first. I've barely even met you; I don't want to be your wife and I don't want to be your whore! Is that clear enough for you? Is it so much to ask that we meet for a drink, chat, and get to know each other before making any hasty decisions? What makes you so sure we'll even get along? If I can't have a conversation with you, I'm not bloody likely to want to fuck you. And I certainly don't want to fuck you RIGHT THIS MINUTE. That does not make me a prude, or frigid (ohmigawd - you're kidding, right?!?) ... I think that makes me rather normal ... rather sane, in fact. And if that's not sane, I'll happily be crazy.

I always thought my dating standards were rather lax:

I don't usually get involved with committed relationships - they're "open" with the stipulation that if you find someone who becomes important to you, be man enough to let me know. (You'd think this would be an easy enough rule ... sigh.)

I don't need to be with a guy all of the time, but when he's with me I want his attention. What he does when I'm not there is his business.

I will treat a guy as well as he treats me, usually better, but if I get an inkling of being taken for granted, it turns off like a tap.

but even this much seems to be too much to ask nowadays. Well, you know what? Screw it - I don't have the patience.

Mi dispiace!

2005-04-18T18:47:00.000-04:00

I must apologize, I've gotten quite lazy about maintaining this blog. It's not so much that I don't want to keep it up, it's just that I haven't been thinking about sex lately. Well, that's not entirely true ... I've just been distracted.

Pain, first of all, is really a buzzkill. My jaw's still acting up (although the last stitch seems to have fallen out today). Secondly, I didn't manage much debauchery in New Orleans. That was a disappointment. I was hoping for some fodder about which to write. Lastly, there are things I don't want to think about which keep popping into my mind. I have to purge myself of them before I can speak freely again.

One bit of amusement did occur. I found an old porn story I'd written, like, 6 years ago. It is bloody awful, and I'm not going to make you suffer through it. But it was fun to get a snapshot into my thinking back then. I highly recommend writing, if only for the joy of rediscovering yourself years later.

Bedroom Golf

2005-04-13T11:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry not to have been posting much lately - my mind is otherwise occupied. Here is a mild bit of humor with which I was spammed today.

Rules For Bedroom Golf
********************
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear (rubbers, et al.) along at all times.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are STRONGLY advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

It only hurts when I laugh.

2005-04-06T12:30:00.000-04:00

Pain is not conducive to thinking about sex. And stitches in one's face are not conducive to one's good humor. But since it's Humor Day, I'll give it the old college try.

Being stuck at home recuperating, I've dragged out the old knitting needles and 2.5 pounds of cashmere to try to be creative. It's not working. I wanted to create an original aran-type sweater, with bits of genitalia in the cabling, but I'm a bit lazy and will probably just make an entrelac turtleneck instead. So here is a blog showcasing other knitted bits. I like the penis (with cabled veins!) but what would you do with it? I refuse to make things which serve no purpose.

In the meantime, I've corralled my creativity to the kitchen. Monday I made Seafood Gumbo, Tuesday I smoked some chicken to make Gumbo Ya-Ya (Smoked Chicken and Andouille), and I've just baked a shitload of Key Lime Pies. (Why yes, it is annoying to juice two 16 ounce bags of tiny key limes, why do you ask?) Mind you, I can't really eat any of this because I've still got stitches in my jaw, but it's something to do. It's more interesting than cleaning. I'll give some of it away, put the rest in the freezer.

Ah well, off to whip cream for the pies.

Ill-humor

2005-03-30T23:30:00.000-05:00

And to follow up on the Abstinence Only theme, here is the boys' site. I know this is a lame, easy post, but I had surgery this morning and I'm not in the best humor.

Speaking of not the best humor - fit for only a select crowd of us sickos - here's another: http://durrrrr.blogspot.com/

On that note - bring me more painkillers!

Humor Day

2005-03-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

Here's a Abstinence Only site for girls; tips on how not to break your "vagina's freshness seal".

Iron Hymen

We'll cover the boys' site & the danger of "testicle weevils" next week.

Sadly, no head sucking.

2005-03-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

Back from New Orleans, with no debauchery to report.

I know, I'm sad too. It was rainy and cold a lot of the time, so I only spent 2 nights on Bourbon Street. I did get to visit a lot of museums and I went to the zoo. I'll probably post pictures later.

By the way, Preservation Hall is a frotteur's fantasy. I don't encourage that sort of behavior. I'm just trying to listen to the music; keep your hands to yourself, strange foreign guy! And who was that who kept farting?!?

I didn't get to suck any heads ... and it was too early for good crawfish. ;-)

My hotel caught on fire, but my room wasn't damaged.

I did manage to get bitten by a vampire, but that's another story ...

Humor-impaired

2005-03-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

Hmm - I can't think of anything funny today. I could tell an off-color joke, but that would take more time than I have. So I'll just point you to the Divine Interventions site. It's not ha-ha funny, but at first glance, I thought "That's just wrong!", and then started laughing. But I imagine most people won't have a sense of humor about their products. Ah well, to each his own. I thought it was amusing.

I'll make it up to you next week. Well, not next week; I won't be here, but soon thereafter.

I'm craptastic. How are you?

2005-03-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

Cold. Tired. Cranky. Hungry.

And blind on top of it all.

They dilated my eyes to check my retinas, so the light from the monitor is simply blinding and typing is a joy, as you might imagine.

In addition I waited outside, in gale force winds, for an hour before my bus came. I've only eaten a bag of popcorn in, ohh, 28 hours, and hence, I'm (understandably) cranky.

It was raining & 54 this morning, now it's about 20. The streets are iced over, and the gusts (up to 51 mph) nail you right when you're trying to walk across a street, so you slide, although you're standing still. I leaned backward into the wind for a while - never fell.

Sex!?! - not tonight honey; I have a headache.

Happy Dance!

2005-03-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

I found my phone! It had fallen out in the backseat of my friend's car. At least I don't have to get a new one. That phone's been a long way with me. Vindigo has helped me navigate (& get lost in) a number of cities, I dialed 911 from it when I capsized in the McKenzie River, etc. I'm not ready to give all that up. Plus it's huge so it's (usually) hard to lose. I likes 'em big. hee hee

T-10 days 'til New Orleans. I think I've gotten all the reservations made, that I plan to make. (5 fancy restaurants will be my limit. Gotta leave room for the un-fancy, yet equally good, food.) I'd been plotting out my activities on a calendar, to make sure I have time to do all the things I want to. Well, today I put price tags on all of those activities, and it's time for me to slow down. I get a bit overeager, since New Orleans is so much cheaper than New York, but money is money, and it's not necessary to spend it as soon as you get it. (How many years has it taken me to learn that?)

I've taken out a bunch of tour books from the library. It's funny how each is a little different. But now I'm just confused about what I read where. Oh well, I'll figure it out. The only thing I can't find is a guide to ... evening activities. Bourbon Street strip clubs, especially the ones with male dancers, are so bloody lame; where are the good ones? There has to be something for us women. New York has an erotic guide - New Orleans should too. Well, maybe not. I keep forgetting that at heart it's still a rather small, religious town, in a "red" state.

But feel free to offer your suggestions about any clubs that might be interesting.

oops - forgot

2005-03-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

... that it's Humor day.

Well, for simplicity's sake, I'll return to the Clean Sheets archive. Since I'm having a crappy evening, I'll share with you 6 Nights of Crappy Sex.

Crap! (warning, no sexual content)

2005-03-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

Bloody hell, I lost my cell phone tonight.

I don't know if someone took it, or it fell out of my briefcase. I don't know why anyone would take it; I think it's about 6 years old, huge, and about to lose its charge. They don't even make those anymore (Kyocera Smartphone). Luckily I'd synced it this weekend, so I don't think I'll lose any info, but it's an annoyance.

On the other hand, I do have Equipment Replacement and it's about time I got a new one anyway.

Phlbbt - I like my big, old cell phone.

Please to explain ...?

2005-03-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

What's with the sudden rash of 30-something female teachers being found having sexual relations with their teenaged students? Is the paucity of 30-something men so dear, or have women just given up on them altogether? Is this a hallmark of women's lib - committing the same travesties as our male counterparts?

Rationally, I can almost understand wanting a younger (more malleable) man ... much like people adopt more puppies & kittens over dogs & cats. But when it comes to sex, I have biases toward maturity in a partner. I've never even kissed anyone more than 6 years my junior. (And they were always above the legal age of consent!)

Ladies, this is not a good trend to follow.

Hormones & other mysteries of life

2005-02-27T10:56:00.000-05:00

Hormones are so strange. You can just be going along, normally, when all of a sudden you get attacked by them. I swear, if I didn't know better, I would think I went into "heat" for 2 days last week. I was completely insane. Hypersensitivity to touch, sexual obsession (moreso than usual, and that's saying a lot), flirting - I don't flirt. It was the weirdest thing. And just as suddenly, it disappeared. The next day I was back to my regular "Boys are stupid-throw rocks at them" mode.
In other news, I went ice skating the other day. It'd been at least 7 years since the last time. But you don't really forget; you're just less graceful and more afraid to fall. The fear didn't last long though. Especially weighed against how much fun it is to tackle the novice skaters.

Hello, it is me, known as hello!

2005-02-23T18:01:00.000-05:00

I think we'll make Wednesdays Humor Day. I know it's "hump day", but more often than not, that's wishful thinking.

This is an oldie but a goodie from Clean Sheets. Take your average, amateur, erotic story, run it through every language translation program you can find, and enjoy the results.

And when you're done with that, go outside. There is a lovely full moon tonight.

Back to the matter at hand...

2005-02-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

I'm still a little congested, but I'm feeling better, thanks for asking.

I was watching Real Sex on HBO the other day and I thought: "White people are crazy." No ... Okay, yeah, I did think that, but that's not the point of this post. (In general I think people are crazy, without regard to ethnicity, but it seems that, for some reason, Caucasians feel much freer to explore whatever oddity might give them pleasure. Or perhaps Caucasians are just more open to having HBO film them in said pursuit ... that's probably it.) Actually I thought, there are so many opportunities to capitalize on sex, and people are making good money off of them, but I just can't seem to come up with a killer app that will profit for me. The mobile dungeon? I should have thought of that! Creating a studio space with differently-themed sets for people to video their fantasies? That totally makes sense. Collecting fucking machines? Okay, I never would have thought of that. But, I've got to think of something. I can't just sit behind a desk, underneath a stairwell, for the rest of my life

Now that my mind has wandered back on to sex (with a vengeance), I've also tried to figure out why all the girls of porn are so Barbie-shaped and the guys are so fugly and barrel-chested. I mean, it's not really that hard to figure out: porn is tailored toward men, so they want an idealized woman and a non-threatening man. But increasingly more women are buying porn. Doesn't that influence the market? How about some non-threatening women - perhaps a bit of pudge here & there, more than a square inch of pubic hair, and dare I say it, natural breasts - and seriously hot guys. I'd buy that for a dollar! I'm sure such things exist. I bitch, but it's not like I've been in the market for any porn videos in a dog's age.

There's a Maureen Dowd opinion piece in the NY Times today that talks about "road beef" and "taking one for the team." It also touches a bit on what I discussed above; specifically the idea that if a guy is with less than a model-type, he's making a sacrifice, but if a gal is with Joe Schlumpf, she's "lucky to have found love." It's all so stupid.

Beauty is beauty, and that's all well and good. No one's suggesting you shouldn't appreciate beauty. We're hard-wired to do so. Part of what we ascribe to beauty are markers of health. In choosing a mate, these things are biologically important. But in the real, contemporary, civilized world, modern folks need to learn to look past what Madison Avenue has trained us to want, and identify what's truly valuable about a person.

Succubus

2005-02-17T21:33:00.000-05:00

I decided my blog needed a guardian Succubus.

I didn't post yesterday. I'm sorry. I'm sick, and it's hard for me to think about sex when I'm sick. The phlegm and the hacking and the coughing and the pain kinda ruin it for me. I promise I'll make it up to you later, okay?

Suck the Head, Baby!

2005-02-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

I'm going to New Orleans next month. I'm excited. I like it there. What's not to like about such an hedonistic locale?

I was just on the phone trying to explain to a friend how to eat boiled crawfish. She thought I was kidding.

It took me years to even attempt to suck the head, and even now, I hesitate a bit at first, but once I get into it, I do it with gusto. Mmm.

Wait a minute - was I talking about crawfish, or fellatio?

Doesn't matter, I suppose. Either makes for a fine time in the Big Easy.

Mmmmmm....

Celebrate the Massacre

2005-02-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

I acknowledge it's Valentine's Day, but that's all you'll hear from me on the subject.

I just took out the Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex from the library. Jaj, I feel old! I had the first edition of this when it came out. Now it seems so ... dated. Nonoxynol 9 - do they even use that any more?

Ahh ... sex.
sex sex sex sex sex.

It's so easy, but so complicated. Or perhaps it's love that's complicated. Sex is easy. Good sex ... a little more effort is required, but it's still easy.

It's still amazing to me what people know versus what they don't know. Or what people believe versus what the facts are. There is still such a wide discrepancy between the two. Apparently Alfred Kinsey was among the first to elucidate this disparity. Watching the movie, Kinsey, it is sadly amusing to see how far we've come, and still how little we've changed. Advocating abstinence in lieu of sex education ... that's not education, that's subjugation. Mind you, I'm not saying that teenagers, or younger, should be having sex. I just think it's counterintuitive, that when faced with a uncomfortable question, one's answer should be "that's evil - don't do that." Don't skirt the issue. Do the research, answer the question, and trust the individual's ethics to guide them appropriately. If they were brought up, not dragged up, they'll do the right thing.

Speaking of Alfred Kinsey, PBS is running a documentary about his life this evening. One that doesn't flirt so delicately about the fact that he tithered along the edges of the dark side in his later research.

There should be people who can answer questions about sex. I mean, when you're of an age to be curious, who can you ask? Your friends are equally clueless (or disturbingly experienced, I don 't know which is worse), your parents are unapproachable ... who is there to talk to? Nowadays, the web is a good resource, with sites like Go ask Alice or SIECUS, but that's so sterile. I try to be approachable. (A fact which I know, one day, I will be made to regret.) But I'm only one person. YOU - yeah you. Go talk about sex with someone you care about.

"Train up children in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

(8 years of Lutheran school, and that's what I remember - the verse they wrote on our report cards.)

Welcome!

2005-02-13T10:21:00.000-05:00

For no particular reason, I've decided to start a new blog. (As if I've maintained the others so well...) There are certain aspects of my personality that I've been ignoring, and I think it's due time to give them voice. So pull up your favorite naugahyde bean bag chair and settle in.